August 05, 2010

Dear Friends,

It has been some time since my last journal entry and much has transpired in this life. Recently the most notable was a surprise trip down the Colorado River, through the Grand Canyon. Due to a last minute cancellation by one of the original trip members I got a call to row the community supply raft for the group 280 miles, 25 days, in paradise. Rowing the Colorado is every rafter’s dream. For me it sits among the top five things of my “to-do-before-I-die” list but with a waiting list ten years long the chances were slim I would get the chance. I was surprised and shocked when a friend, who was going on the trip, called to tell me they needed a rower and they were leaving in the morning. Of course I dropped everything I was doing. My jobs would have to wait I borrowed money to pay my rent, phone bill and insurance payments and made phone calls to my sister and a few friends to say I would be away from home for a month.

Having twelve hours to prepare for a month away from home, twenty five of those days on the river, was a challenge as I lacked much of the gear and supplies. In the end I took two changes of clothes and borrowed fleece from a friend, grabbed my journal and pens, a wide brimmed hat, camera and three cases of America’s only hand crafted, organic, Pilsner from Ukiah Brewing Company, my hometown brewery. As a survivor I felt that if I had warm clothes and beer I could survive most things; hell I spent eight months in the Ecuador Amazon rainforest eating palm grubs and plantain, the lizards, snakes and small animals I encountered would have to hide if I got too hungry. As it ended up this was not an issue and there was plenty of food to go around without lizard stew.

Many people book trips on the Colorado River and I am sure it has an effect on the most hardened of people, event if they are not aware of it. For those who are open enough to embrace the canyon as a teacher and library of Earth’s history it can be life changing. Without saying a word the Grand Canyon awes and mystifies thousands of travelers each year, year after year, causing seekers to reflect on themselves as well as the greater world in which they live. The Canyon sets one up for the spectacular, the outrageous, the sublime and for terror. The challenges of the river and dealing with group dynamics can bring forth emotions, fears and beliefs that can be very hard to work through. It is intense and an opportunity to test one’s ability to adapt and go with the flow. This can be more than one asks for when they send in their deposit check and book their trip.

For me it became a decent into my subconscious fear of being capable, worthy and skillful enough to stay in control of my craft (life) while inside the biggest rapids (life challenges) I had ever faced. Upon returning from this adventure I wrote a letter to my men’s group to share one particular experience that rearranged the foundation of my beliefs and ideas about who and what I am. I share that here with you.


Upset at Upset Rapid                
May 21, 2010

In my guidebook Upset Rapid is listed as a Class 6 difficulty, on a scale of 1 to 10. It has a 15 foot drop over its length, which is not very far, with a big hole near the bottom. Rapid ratings change with the volume of water flow and rapids easier to run at higher flows can be quite tricky at lower flows. Higher flows can also produce “sneeker” routes that bypass big holes and rocks not available at low flows. However, the reverse can true and low flows can make certain rapids easier, so for these reasons alone rapid ratings should not be taken too seriously. I had learned this well over the past few days. I ran infamous rapids such as Hance, Granite and Hermit, all Class 8 rapids and Crystal Rapid, a Class 9, without too much trouble, but I got my butt kicked at a few rapids with lesser ratings. So far I had nearly flipped in one rapid, was thrown about my raft by others, once I was thrown out of my boat but I caught the safety line on the way out so I was able to crawl back into the craft and finish the rapid. As I looked at Upset Rapid I thought it had been underrated. For me it was the toughest one yet, it scared me, I knew it and it knew it.

There is a medium sized, potentially nasty, ledge hole right at the top of the rapid on the left bank and a big rock sticking out of the water across from it on the right. A little over half way down the rapid there is a huge hole with an equally huge reversal wave that occupies most of the river’s center channel. It has, “I will eat you and your raft” written all over it. Below the top left ledge hole the water virtually roared forming large chaotic waves and making several lesser holes along the vertical rock wall of the canyon. Side curling waves rebounding off of the wall created a maelstrom of activity in the swiftly moving water churning on the left edge of the big center hole. I decided that was not where I wanted to be. The river right was shallow and rocky with slower moving water. Between the bank and the big hole was a fifteen foot wide slot one could maneuver their raft through, if one missed the rocks. If one hit a rock the raft would bounce right out into the current and into that big hole. At the bottom of the rapid, below the raft/man eating hole, the river curves to the right and into relative calmness.

Scouting the rapid from the shore I immediately saw the line I wanted to take. Set up right of center, miss the big rock at the top, downstream ferry along the right shore careful not to hit any rocks, slip safely through the slot and around the corner, no problem. I asked our group leader what his plan was. “Run the right, like you said”, he replied, but you might consider running the left side”.
“What left run?” I asked.
“Against the left wall” he said.
I looked again thinking I had missed something. Big ledge hole at the top with reversal wave; huge side curling waves with several minor holes along the wall; the churning cauldron from hell next to the huge frothing I-want-to eat-you hole at the bottom, no, I had not missed anything.
“Why aren’t you going to go left?” I asked.
“My boat isn’t big enough”, he replied, “Yours is”.
“Stitch, which way you gonna run it?” Stitch had a lot of experience in the canyon and I liked the way he thought. “I’m going to run the right, like Snake, slow and easy.”
“Yeah, me too, I’m run’n the right.” I said.
“Make sure you don’t hit any rocks, you will end up in the hole”, Subie cautioned, “and be sure to keep your downstream ferry angle, don’t loose it …… or you’re screwed.” Her sixty some trips down the canyon made her the most experienced person in our group and I listened whenever she spoke. She had a sort of callous, flippant, yet respectful, attitude toward the rapids and river that threw me for an occasional loop; she was still hard for me to read.

Subie was our extra rower in case someone was hurt, or got sick. She switched riding rafts, usually between Snake’s and Stitches and always provided good feedback. “What would you do?” I asked.

“If I had your boat?” I nodded yes. With a sly little grin and a twinkle in her eye she said, “I’d run the left”. She turned and walked back to join Snake in his boat without another look, or word. Everyone agreed they were going to run the right route, two sixteen foot rafts, a sixteen foot cata-raft, and two eighteen foot rafts. I cast another look at the left and I could feel the fear tie my gut in a knot. “They’re crazy”, I thought as I heard someone yell. Snake and Subie were casting off and going to show us how to do it.

I scrambled to the river’s edge to watch the first raft go through. Snake set up right of center, slid past the rock on the top, down the right bank missing the other rocks, through the slot, around the corner, no problem. Stitch and his passenger cast off next, then the other 18 footer. Stitch set up a little far to the left and the run was not as smooth as Snake and Sue’s but they slid past the rocks and hole just fine. Next the other eighteen foot raft. The tubes on this craft are smaller in diameter making him more maneuverable than the tub of a supply raft I was driving, but his can still be difficult in tight places. The larger rafts are more stable in big water, harder to flip, but it is also harder to see, or judge, where the exact ends of the raft are and rocks can be a big problem. A slight misjudgment by a few inches caused the raft to clip the rock at the top and the impact spun the front of the raft downstream loosing the ferry angle. Instead of spinning back around the rower tried to go forward which just sent him directly into the current and the middle of the center hole. He disappeared, raft and all, as he dropped into the hole then popped up into the reversal wave that spun him sideways then flipped him. It all took about a nanosecond. He popped up to the surface along side his raft and floated down to where Stitch and Snake waited to pick him up and get the raft to the river’s edge.

Watching the raft flip wrenched my nerves and resolve. I was clearly shaking, my gut hurt, my mind was scattered. My raft was heavier, more difficult to maneuver, caught on rocks better, moved slower, crap, if I screwed up in any way I was going into the hole and flip. Anyone going into that hole was going to flip. Walking back to my raft I studied the fear coursing through my body. I was terrified to my core. For some reason this rapid scared the bejezzes out of me. The fear was irrational and unassociated to any remembered event, or events, it came from the shadow side and for its own reasons. There were people waiting on me downstream and I did not want to run this rapid. I questioned my skill, my heart, my courage and I did not measure up; this rapid felt bigger than me, but I had to run it there was no other choice.

As I said, I recognized this fear to be irrational but there it was. If I flipped it was no big deal to anything but my ego. We were a team and we would flip it back upright, just as we would be doing for the other raft. I had safety equipment, training, knowledge, and ability, everything I needed to survive and even have fun in the process, yet the fear would not acknowledge this having a mind of its own.

Near where we tied up the rafts to scout the rapid, on the beach among the rocks and wind blown sand, was a mature Sacred Datura with one of its blossoms in full spread glory. I had noticed the Datura growing on the riverbank and greeted it on my way to scout the rapid. After my visionary experiences in the Amazon Rainforest I have a deep respect for the sacred and medicinal plants that occupy this world with us. Driven by some inner madness, or perhaps gnosis, I approached the plant and knelt by its side. I took the single blossom and cupped it to my face allowing the fear inside to rise. Along with the fear came tears. I told the Datura I was afraid, terrified, to run this rapid. I told it I was there to meet my fears and limitations but I did not know if I was good enough to meet the challenge in front of me. I told the plant I was going to run the left side, without guidance from the others. I would read the water, set up and make my run based on my experience alone; my friends said it was there and I would find it. I ask for protection and said a blessing to the Datura, the Canyon, the River, and the Spirits of the place. I knew I was alive because I was sure I was about to die.

I pulled upright the jumble of nerves I called a body and went to untie my raft. My friend Clint and his lady friend were waiting on the cata-raft waiting., “What are you going to do?’ he asked untying he craft as well.

“I’m running the left”, I said heavily. He just stared at me for a second then said, “OK, I’ll follow you.” Just like that he switched from a route that would be easy for him to one that offered little hope for success. I had always known Clint was a touch crazy but now I was sure he was just plain nuts. “OK” I said launching my raft and grabbing the oars.

I set up left of center thinking I would just clip the edge of the top ledge hole to slow down a bit and then begin punching through the side curlers and minor holes along the wall. Entering the top of the rapid I thought needed to be slightly farther to the left and so did two oar strokes to compensate. Sliding into the vee, or tongue of the rapid, the current grabbed the raft moving it forward with amazing speed and strength. My impatience cost me as the current threw me directly into the ledge hole sideways. The thought that I should have waited until the current had me before making any last adjustments flashed in my mind as I prepared for the impact of the reversal wave. Abandoning the oars I threw my body to the high side of the raft as the wave stood it on one end hoping it would help keep the raft from flipping. I was kicked about the raft but found myself upright, through the hole and very near my oars. I had also lost my ferry angle and was headed for the big hole in the center. Panic, terror, absolute all encompassing fear gripped me and I reacted through the oars. There was nothing to do but try, or give up. I pulled on my upstream oar as hard as I could and regained my ferry angle just as I entered a minor hole and the side curling waves. Water crashed over the raft, over me, threatening to sweep me from the raft. I pulled hard on the oars trying my best to get right alongside the vertical rock wall hitting the big waves head on. Again and again waves crashed over the raft as I ducked my head bracing against the oars and strength of the current to keep from being washed from my seat. Then there was a roaring to my right and I saw the big hole looming just below me, I shoved hard on my oars spinning the raft slightly so I would hit it square. Dropping into the left edge of the big hole the raft seemed to gain more speed, then up busting through the standing wave on the down stream side. I was through, upright and alive.

I felt an intense joy. Giddy happiness replaced the terror. Then a moment later, as I made the easy maneuvers to negotiate the curve in the river below the hole, a wave of unregulated emotion crashed over me. Hitting me like one of the mammoth side curling waves the emotions welled up through every vein and nerve in my body and I began to cry uncontrollably. Not little tears but deep gasping sobs that come from deep in the chest and constrict the throat. It was hard to breath and harder to see, the tears would not stop. It was irrational, without obvious purpose, still not attached or associated with a memory or event, powerful, encompassing and undeniable. My body was racked with emotion, sobbing, shaking, sweating, I was a mess.

Clint came up behind me just beaming with joy and excitement. They had followed me through and the experience shone in their eyes. “That was awesome dude, amazing, I got it all on video. I thought you were toast…..you hit the top hole….got it together…..wow…awesome….how did you do that?” The words and excitement went on but I did not hear it all. I tried to find and compose my voice, “I can’t talk right now”, I managed to croak through the tears and choked off throat. “I’m a little emotional for some reason.”

They laughed good heartedly, “I guess so. Well …. that was just awesome! Hope the video of you going into that hole comes out, thought you were over for sure.” They kept talking as they paddled by to help the others get the other raft to the shore.

I held back a bit to get myself together and the others pulled the raft to the side of the river. When I tied my raft up and went to help them Subie said, “I see you went left”. She was smiling and I could tell she was proud of me. I nodded my head.
“You know”, she continued “I told Snake that I though you would change your mind and run the left” still smiling.
“Scariest thing I’ve ever done”, I replied. The way she looked at me suggested she could into my soul and see the terror I felt and her gentle smile told me she had been there too. We did not need to say anything more about it and set to up-righting Larry’s raft.

It was an easy roll over and by the time we were ready to move downriver I was back to myself again. Well, not totally myself because something had shifted. Down river there were many more rapids waiting including the dreaded Lava Falls Rapid, a Class 9 rapid famous for flipping experienced canyon boaters. I knew I would be afraid in some rapids, feel terror in others, but I would run them none the less. Somehow the catharsis that followed the terror at Upset did something inside me, broke a barrier, relieved some buried need, or limitation, or expressed some inner pain too long suppressed, I do not know. It may take a while to figure out what happened, to let the learning soak into my awareness, if it ever does. I may never know the meaning of this event or why it was so emotional. I do feel as if my relationship with fear has changed and it has less of a grip on me. I don’t really know. All I know for sure is that running left at Upset changed me in a good and positive way and that is enough for now.

Peace